New year and the what-ifs

My very first post in 2012 and it’s been quite long time since the last time i post here. Happy new year then, but talking about new year means talkin about new year resolutions too. Yes being graduated from college, get a real job, and make really good money are-i-must-do this year. cheesy? name it as a future destiny. haha i know it’s cheesy but they’re the fact i have to face this year and i feel thrill to meet them soon :D. In others i do have some hopes, but better to keep them unspoken since i’m tired being a girl who has so much expectations in life, that i called the what-ifs life..well i’m gonna tell you about one hope which is related to myself and the what-ifs life. I stumbled on this beautiful blog and read this post about thousand times: “what if by @Beradadisini” .

Before i share you the should watch this short movie first. From the movie’s title i can assume it would be tear my heart. The description said It said: Every day, so many opportunities to connect… what if you took just one?  

I guess i was born naturally shy. Especially when it comes to relationship. i screw up in many times and then easily give up and secretly afraid of getting hurted again. So i keep myself in the what if life, i’d rather stay in silent than screw anything up. But deep inside i try to fight with the untold feeling and in the end i let the untold scratch some pain inside me again and again.

The other case, i met a guy who i think so attractive, i think he’s kinda the one who i wanna be with, i can say that he’s the one in my dream. But the facts my shyness made me think like this: “is he into me? because he seems doesnt care about my appeareance at all?” or “Something’s good happened today..he said hello but i don’t know what to do” or “i caught his eyes looking at me whenever he’s around..well i don’t wanna remember that rush of just means nothing”. Then i end up with a thought: “You can dream him but don’t wish too far, wishing only wound the heart” . I just wanna forfeit future tears of joy to save us both from pain.

Now i think about the fact of what-if is really pathetic and stupid. I remember when i found out that the guy i crushed on high school didn’t like me back he choosed to date another girl, but at least it cleared up the mess, because i know the fact i can’t be with him. Or like this morning, my last boyfriend sent me a message that written a NY prayer and hopes. But before that, i sent him a message that i wanted to say since a long time ago after he left me. A message of goodbye ,wish him luck, and thank you for our memory in early 2011 together. Just like a message i wanna tell him in this post. I can’t believe that i finally told him that directly! it felt good..i know he might think so hard to put the words together since i know he wasn’t really good with words but it was lovely for me and honestly i was thinking so hard to click the “send” button on my blackberry, considered to send the message or not. but i did..i really did.

I really want  to get out from my comfort-zone. I wanna talk to him and find out what’s inside him. My friends at the office keep telling me “there he is, go on and get him, we think that you guys perfect each other”. They often yelled at me too “hey where is your action? we’re already introduce you to him” i keep smiling and kept looking at him from the distant. Once my girls Sasa and Uli told me when we were on sleep over “Living the what ifs isn’t a good option, you lost your chances to be with someone you’ve been in love with” and i remember Uli said “it’s no use you to keep complain to me that you need a good man in life and that’s why you’re single now and you still waiting for that man to come but the facts your heart keeps say his name and your mind thinkin of him”.

From my deepest heart i shyly tell you guys now, this time, I’m a bit afraid to not see him again. I usually act “stay cool” but deep inside i secretly scared to lost some chances. The chances for feeling like this to someone i adore. I wanna have a chance to be with someone i really wanted like now. but in the end god speed 🙂 i will not run and hide again it’s time to try hope it’s not too late.

i pick this good paragraphs from @beradadisini

I lived in what-ifs until I was 25. That was when I decided to find out about the truth—the truth I had been avoiding to hear for years. After a long time, what-ifs became really suffocating. I couldn’t breathe with it, and I just have to let it out. Surprisingly, when I finally found out about the truth, it wasn’t a painful truth! It was more or less standing on the happy side of truth! And I couldn’t stop cursing myself. Why didn’t I find out about the truth sooner? So I can live my life happily, not having to be burdened by the question: what if?

We only lived once. And I was lucky that I could survive to 25 (and now 28), to find out about the truth; to discover the answer behind the what-ifs. But again, what if we only have today?

so maybe it can be my NY resolution too. I’m promise myself to say Hello more to him. get to know him more or maybe ask him out for a dinner (Ok it’s gone too far, i dont think i can but who knows?) 😀 but i can’t wait for someday someway somehow i will say this

Yes it’s my silly thing i did in veerryyy early 2012

cheerio, happy new year!

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